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Victoria's Compass

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a message to The lonely wolf

11/28/2020

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I know you all too well. Although you may feel alone for different reasons, I have a message for you.
     You, the one who doesn’t relate to many. The one who feels like it’s a struggle to pretend to be amused by society but does it anyway to bond with family and friends. You, with interests and hobbies many may find boring. You, who has an eye for hidden messages that many dismiss. You, not being satisfied by the latest trends and always challenge the crowd. You are a rare treasure that must be self-discovered. 
    There’s something that pulls you in a different direction but you can’t pinpoint what that is and they call you weird for it. This something interrupts your flow when you feel like you might fit in because you finally decide to follow the masses. It only gets louder the more you ignore it and parade around like a fool in hopes you can convince it that you can be like everyone else. Although you know it will make it easier to connect with the majority, you know deep down it would be impossible to make yourself blind and deaf for too long to make it last. 
     So, what’s the message? Listen, follow, surrender and trust that something. That something isn’t nothing, you’re not crazy. You may not understand it now and I know it asks a lot from you but be obedient to it. Learn it’s language, this language you were born with but have seized to forget along the way. Many call it intuition, I refer to it as the language of the soul. It’s your inner compass, it will never lead you astray.

P.S. You are not alone.                                 
Love, Victora Gold 
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10 signs they are interested

11/16/2020

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Attraction vs Interest
I’ve heard people distinguish if someone is interested in you by their attraction towards you but this isn't the case! Yes, they can be attracted to you but that doesn't mean they are interested! This can happen for different reasons. Maybe they are attracted to your energy and just like to be around you but don’t want to be romantically involved with you. Maybe they are simply attracted to you like they are with many others and simply have you there to give them an ego boost, but have no true intentions with you. When someone is interested, it’s very clear, but we must not confuse attraction to being interested. 

1. Effort 
=Interested
Someone that makes the effort to go on a date with you is interested. They will go out of their way to see you and spend time with you, regardless of their schedule. I will include, that their effort in trying to add value in the relationship is equal to yours. This is all an indicator they are interested!
2. Flirting & Attention
=
Attraction
Anyone can flirt with someone. If you notice they flirt with you, this can simply be that they like the attention you give them for it. This doesn’t mean they are genuinely interested, even though someone that is interested will flirt, this isn’t a determining factor. 
3. Define the relationship
=Interested

They want to know where you both stand and where you’re going together. This is an obvious indicator, if this isn’t where you are at with the person, they are simply attracted to you and not interested. 
4. Chemistry
=Attraction
You are going to have great chemistry with many. You can even have great chemistry with friends. Just because you have great chemistry, this isn’t a guarantee that they are really interested in you. 
5. Hang out vs Dates
When you spend time with them, it needs to be clear that you are on a date and not just simply hanging out. Someone that is truly interested will want to go on a date with you and make it clear that it's a date. Someone who is simply attracted to you, won’t want to make the commitment and investment, so they will ask you to simply hang out with them. 
6. Mixed Signals
=Attraction 
A person that really is interested won’t give you mixed signals. If you are feeling like you take steps forward and then steps back, they are not interested in you. Someone that isn't interested won’t care to have clear intentions with you, hence the mixed signals. 
7. They want to REALLY get to know you
=Interested
Someone that is interested asks intentional questions to see if you are a great match. They will want to know what is important to you, they want to know your family background, they want to know your views on romantic relationships, they want to know where you are going in life etc. They are interested!
8. Reciprocation
Ask yourself, is there an equal response? If you always flirt with that person, open up to that person, and want to talk to that person but that person doesn’t give that interest back, they are NOT interested. There needs to be clear reciprocation on both ends.
9. Consistency
=Interested
Is the investment consistent? Meaning, you have consistent communication and consistent dates. So this doesn’t mean you go on a date every once in a while and then they show up whenever they feel like having time for you. This doesn’t mean you hang out often either, remember a date is different to hanging out. If this investment is consistent, they are interested!
10. Affection 
=Attracted 
Just because you are affectionate, doesn't necessarily mean they are genuinely interested. Although someone that is interested will show affection, this shouldn’t be your determining factor that they are interested.

Last Words:
Please be aware of the differences and make wise choices!

If you have questions on any specifics, please comment and I will answer back. If you have any questions regarding something else, please email me and I will respond!

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6 ways to protect yourself from manipulators

11/12/2020

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​"Don't settle for a relationship that won't let you be yourself" -Oprah

1. Know what you stand for
“If you don’t stand for something, you fall for anything”-Malcolm X. Manipulators love to instill beliefs that will get others to meet their own needs. They will use different reasoning and comparison tactics to get you to budge! For ex: They will use other people to try to say “Well, so and so are doing it and they are happy!” or “I do this for you, why can’t you do this for me”. Sit down for 15 minutes and write down your beliefs, morals, values and standards. Know what they are and why they are there! If you don’t know what they are, that’s a great place to start! Add to this as time goes on and revisit when you need a reminder when times get tough! This will help you define the foundation you stand on.

2. Respond vs React
So what’s the difference right? Reacting is unconscious, whereas responding is conscious. Reacting stems from triggers and conditioned patterns. It’s part of the subconscious mind, the part of the mind that is unconsciously reacting. Maybe you were a people pleaser growing up so you cave in when someone is upset with you. Hence your reaction to giving the manipulator what they want. Maybe you felt insignificant growing up and the way you feel significant now is to be able to meet the needs of others even if it means dishonoring your own. Then, when the manipulator indirectly expresses to you how much they need something to get done, your reaction is to meet it because they know this about you. Or maybe the manipulator expresses how much they need you so you drop anything and anyone to meet their needs. Knowing your triggers and patterns are crucial so you can conciously control them when they arise. Responding means to observe what you are feeling like any outsider would in order to make a quality decision based on what you know is truly right for you. It’s looking beyond the triggers and conditioned thinking, consciously being a part of the response.

3. Learn how to say NO
I understand it’s hard, trust me I used to be a huge people pleaser. I get it. But saying no means saying yes to our sanity. In the beginning while you get better at saying no, I suggest saying “let me think about it and I will get back to you on that”. Don’t say yes to anything right away so you can have time to reflect without any outside pressure or influence. Even if you happen to say yes occasionally, remember you have the right to change your mind by saying “I know I said yes out of reaction but now that I have taken the time to reflect, the answer is no”. Keep in mind that when we allow things to happen that we didn’t genuinely want, it builds self resentment and shame. You may please others around you but when you are alone, you will have to face your inner shame that comes with it. It’s a lonely place. Just when you thought it’d be lonely to lose people over saying no, you’ll realize it’s a lot lonelier keeping the people you have pleased but resenting yourself for losing you. Saying no means pushing past the guilt and meeting the peace that awaits you on the other side. It may take you time to see this beautiful transformation but take it from someone who was a people pleaser, it’s worth it.

4. Have boundaries
When we have boundaries, we are able to establish a clear place to base our yes or no decisions off of. When you spend time with someone for a long time, you start to synchronize brains. “It supports healthy relationships by allowing partners to be “in sync,” and read each other’s cues and minds” (www.psychcenture.com). So what’s the downside of this? Well, when the synchronization is one sided it makes it toxic. It’s healthy when it’s mutual and both needs are being met effortlessly. When this isn’t mutual, we start to develop behaviors and patterns that are inauthentic. When it’s one sided, it’s more of a training tactic than anything else. The manipulator trains you to behave in their favor. A great example of this is retaliation. Where they train you to please them or else they behave in a way you don’t like. For instance, not calling you for a few days as a form of punishment. Training you to synch this into your brain so that you know what not to do without being told. If you don’t know what you have synched at this point, take some space away from this person and things will become more clear. The synchronization process will become weak, making it easier to identify what you have synchronized by association.

5. Set some alone time for yourself
Becoming codependent on someone is nothing new but many don’t even know it happens. If you feel like you are “losing yourself”, this is a sign you are codependent on your partner. If you don’t do what you love or are passionate about anymore due to not having time for it because of your relationship, you have become codependent. Being codependent refers to being dependent on someone emotionally, socially and sometimes physically, not being able to function without them like an addiction. “The main consequence of codependency is that ‘[c]odependents, are busy taking care of others, forget to take care of themselves, resulting in a disturbance of identity development’ “ (www.positivepsychology.com). This means that it’s crucial to have time alone to reflect, learn, spend time with loved ones, do what you love individually and build your own identity!

6. Build that self respect!
Remember that respecting yourself isn’t always going to make sense for others. Self respect isn’t meant for others to agree, please, negotiate and understand. Self respect is built by listening to our inner compass (intuition) and following through with action. This will keep you whole and at peace.

Last Words
All of these steps help build your self esteem which boosts self confidence! Manipulators love to feed on the insecure. An insecure person is one who has no self respect and low self esteem. If you or anyone you know needs support, please email me at
Victoria.alvarez@goldnfound.com. Thank you.


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8 Break Up Do’s and Don'ts!

11/9/2020

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 "When you change your actions, you change your future"
-Zig Ziglar  

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1. Don’t get on any dating apps (no rebounds!)
There are going to be many reasons why you want to find a new “someone”. During a break up, you experience a decrease in dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin the three chemicals that play a big role when you are romantically involved with someone. "Oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin are often referred to as our 'happy hormones' " (www.healthline.com). Due to this decrease, you will definitely feel off. It's natural to want to find a way to increase these "happy hormones" but dating someone new is NOT the solution. Your friends may tell you that you are “single ready to mingle”. I learned the hard way that this isn't the case. Not only are you in a very hypersensitive state, but there is so much more you could be doing! Now that you are not in a relationship, it’s time to uncover the potential your singleness journey holds and honor it. Singleness is a time for you to rebuild and transform yourself. It’s a time to let go of the false identities you built during your relationship. It is a time to get to know yourself and it requires all your time and attention. Don’t make the mistake that many do and give that precious investment on someone else. Not only will you just be suppressing a breakthrough that needs to happen but you will continue to rely on someone else to make you feel validated.
 

2. Do Learn and Reflect
Everytime I went through a break up, I hit the books. I’d go to a coffee shop and I’d watch educational videos and pull out 4-6 books. All of it was on psychology, spirituality, relationships, singleness, inspiration, self-development, health etc. You name it! I knew that I had developed baggage that I was probably blind to so I would take out my journal and learn. I wanted to make sure that I detoxed myself from any insecurities, bad habits, emotional behaviours and beliefs that weren't going to serve me well. I wanted to unlearn the bad and learn the new in order to become a better version of myself. I reflected a lot and my focus was always on me. What I did, what I didn’t do, how I behaved and where I needed to improve. Being brutally honest with yourself is KEY.  

3. Don’t numb your pain
Whatever vice you use to numb your pain, don't. This only suppresses everything. Making it nearly impossible to really feel what you need to heal from. If you numb it all, how will you know what you need to break free from? Yes I know you will hurt, but you need to welcome compassion in this moment. Let me walk you through how I learned to become vulnerable with myself. First, allow yourself to feel what you feel instead of trying to be tough. If you feel shame, so be it. If you feel like a fool, or maybe you feel like you are at a  loss, allow this to rise. Identify everything you feel and identify specifically why you feel like that as if you were asking someone. “Why do you feel shame”, and then answer accordingly. After you respond, reassure yourself why it’s normal and okay by pointing out how you felt about the relationship and why it hurt. Then hug yourself, I know, I know, weird right? But it works. I was always the tough one who swore I didn’t care and turned to anger as a vice to not feel my pain. This only suppressed everything and then I would feel empty in random times of the day because I wasn’t being authentic.
 

4. Don’t dwell on the past 
You are going to be so emotionally overwhelmed that you may dwell on the past a lot. You may start to overthink about it. The good, bad and the ugly. All of it will rise at random times. It’s important to be cautious and aware that this will happen. Dwelling on the past only distracts you from your precious present, not being able to unveil the beautiful mysteries life has for you. Surrender to what is and let go of what was. Life is like a river, taking you to your next adventure. When you go against the current, you will become more tired and you will remain stagnant. Feeling hopeless. When you go through moments of pain, whether physical or emotional because you will feel both, put your focus back on the journey ahead. Break ups make it seem like you have nothing to look forward to and you may feel like that as you read this but that’s not true. I know what it feels like to go through a hard break up and if I made it to the other end, so can you. When the past rises, say to yourself, “thank you for those bitter and sweet memories. Now I must focus on the journey ahead”. I did this every time, one hundred times a day if I had to. 

5. Do build your singleship 
Building our singleship is when we build a concrete relationship with ourselves. Re-establishing our morals, values, standards and boundaries. Reminding ourselves of our priorities and the priorities we have dishonored. This is your time to build self respect and self trust. Maybe you did things in that relationship you weren’t proud of. Maybe you allowed yourself to be in a relationship where you weren’t respected, this takes a toll on your self esteem. Rebuilding your relationship with yourself takes a lot of moments of solitude. Silence may not be so pleasant in the beginning but it may be because you feel lost, this is a result of having dishonored your singleship. To have a strong relationship with yourself is to feel like you are your own child, always making sure you are honored, valued, happy, at peace and loved. Take care of yourself because at the end of the day, you have to live with yourself everyday. 

6. Don’t have access to the Ex
When you go through a breakup, you will experience withdrawals. Anthropologist, Helen E Fisher ran a study to see how the brain was affected after a break up. They found that the parts of the brain that light up are the same as a cocaine addict waiting for their next dose. Imagine, if that’s the case, your brain is going to create the same urges to reconnect with the ex. Understand this concept in order to rise above it. Control your mind, don’t let your mind control you. Make a verbal, mental commitment to not have access to the ex. Delete social media if you have to. Limit your phone usage and spend time with people you love and that love you. Feel this love you urge from non-romantic love. Give this love to yourself, you don’t need to wait for it.

7. Do Change Your Routine 
Break ups aren’t easy. Sticking to the routines you built with them or introduced them to doesn't help at all. As for me, something I always did was to change my routine right after a break up. This not only helps you emotionally but mentally. Studies have shown that when you are doing something new, you wire new neuron chemicals in the brain. This helps you focus on what you are doing vs overthinking about the break up. Why? Well, the new routine is going to demand extra focus from your brain because it isn’t familiar with the change. This also helps boost your confidence because you are witnessing new productive behaviour in yourself during an emotional break up. 
​

8. Do Heal
Connect to your peace. It’s going to be hard to heal from the pain but it’s necessary. People say time heals but that’s not necessarily the case. Time makes the pain feel distant but it’s up to us to heal. Yes, it’s a choice. I don’t know what your beliefs are but at the end of the day, we are all spiritual beings. You are going to need your spiritual beliefs more than ever at this point. I encourage you to look up different healing rituals. These all help you to commit in your healing journey. Ask your higher power to give your pain purpose and everytime you feel the pain, choose love. Send off love to that pain and person. In order to heal we must forgive, but we can’t forgive if we have nothing to give. To forgive is to be able to give peace to the pain, resulting in connecting to the peace that lives within. May Peace be with you.

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THE NEGATIVE EFFECTS OF CASUAL DATING

11/3/2020

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      We all have been here, “I’m just casually dating, nothing serious”. I have been there myself. Until one day, after being sick and tired of my dating life, I decided to really reflect on what I was doing. After doing some research, I was shocked at what I have learned and I wouldn’t recommend dating “casual” to anyone that desires to have a loving, long lasting relationship someday. 
     Let's start by emphasizing on the fact that love is not casual! You might start to disregard this whole blog already by saying “oh, but I don’t want to fall in love or anything. I just want to have fun” If you want to have fun, go to a festival, go to a park but dating is not the place. This word, invented by people who have been hurt in their past and too scared to commit again. This word that feeds our ego by saying that the person we are dating is “no biggie” just in case it doesn't end the way we really hoped it would. This word we use to excuse the number of people we date because we don’t know how to be alone. 
     Dating is way more profound than we allow ourselves to think. Have you ever been hurt while casually dating? Have you ever hurt someone else while casually dating? Romantic love interests are sacred. They aren’t for our amusement. They aren’t for us to just use as we please because we don’t know how to be single. It’s sacred. Why? How many people have you seen become totally different people because of a heartbreak? Or struggle with mental disorders they are trying to heal from because of dating? This isn’t something to just do “casually”. You may think, “no I can though. I have done it”. Let’s talk about how the mind works.
​     What you allow the mind to accept is normal, you have now identified how you want that area of your life to be perceived. Which in this case, it’s that for you, romance and love is casual. For example, to you it’s safe to identify it as casual dating in order to separate the different types of dating but the mind knows no difference. The chemicals received by your senses are identified as the same. It’s no wonder why our generation has grown accustomed to the idea of “fu@! Buddies” and end up treating their formal relationship the same. Your brain can’t tell the difference! You wire yourself to be great at this whole “casual” thing that you even start to casually date anyone you have a true interest with. You might say at this point, “no! I don’t do that”. No, you think you don’t do that. You see, you have created your own standards of love by wiring your mind how you want to perceive love; casual. 
     When you do something for a repeated number of times, you form a habit. So now I ask you, what habits from casual dating have you carried over to what your understanding of formal dating is? Can you even identify them at this point? Are you surrounded by people who date casually just like you that you wouldn’t even begin to have a visual example of something different? Have you grown these habits so deep that now you have settled for beliefs about dating that weren’t really there? Have you now unconsciously modified your perception of love? You wonder why people say the spark doesn’t last? Have you heard of the Honeymoon stage? You date casually so much that your brain is used to having different “spark” reactions at short times every time you date someone new. Of course the spark isn’t going to last. Your brain isn’t use to sparks that last! Your brain is just reacting to what you have been wiring it to do for so long in your reality. 
     If you aren’t used to dating intentionally. It’s no wonder you haven’t perceived dating as a loving, sacred and romantic place.  You train yourself not to really “care” for your love interests and that it’s normal for you not to truly care. Not knowing your truest capacity of what that means.You haven't wired your brain to date formally long enough to truly value a true relationship because your brain has been seeing dating as just a casual thing. Aren’t you a bit curious about your truest capacity for romance and love? 
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    Author:
    Victoria Gold

    I believe in the power of sharing our own journey in hopes that others can take away any GOLD from one another. This is a snapshot of how I have used my inner compass to guide me through a vast of experiences.

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