I know you all too well. Although you may feel alone for different reasons, I have a message for you.
You, the one who doesn’t relate to many. The one who feels like it’s a struggle to pretend to be amused by society but does it anyway to bond with family and friends. You, with interests and hobbies many may find boring. You, who has an eye for hidden messages that many dismiss. You, not being satisfied by the latest trends and always challenge the crowd. You are a rare treasure that must be self-discovered.
There’s something that pulls you in a different direction but you can’t pinpoint what that is and they call you weird for it. This something interrupts your flow when you feel like you might fit in because you finally decide to follow the masses. It only gets louder the more you ignore it and parade around like a fool in hopes you can convince it that you can be like everyone else. Although you know it will make it easier to connect with the majority, you know deep down it would be impossible to make yourself blind and deaf for too long to make it last.
So, what’s the message? Listen, follow, surrender and trust that something. That something isn’t nothing, you’re not crazy. You may not understand it now and I know it asks a lot from you but be obedient to it. Learn it’s language, this language you were born with but have seized to forget along the way. Many call it intuition, I refer to it as the language of the soul. It’s your inner compass, it will never lead you astray.
P.S. You are not alone.
Love, Victora Gold
Attraction vs Interest
I’ve heard people distinguish if someone is interested in you by their attraction towards you but this isn't the case! Yes, they can be attracted to you but that doesn't mean they are interested! This can happen for different reasons. Maybe they are attracted to your energy and just like to be around you but don’t want to be romantically involved with you. Maybe they are simply attracted to you like they are with many others and simply have you there to give them an ego boost, but have no true intentions with you. When someone is interested, it’s very clear, but we must not confuse attraction to being interested.
Someone that makes the effort to go on a date with you is interested. They will go out of their way to see you and spend time with you, regardless of their schedule. I will include, that their effort in trying to add value in the relationship is equal to yours. This is all an indicator they are interested!
2. Flirting & Attention
Anyone can flirt with someone. If you notice they flirt with you, this can simply be that they like the attention you give them for it. This doesn’t mean they are genuinely interested, even though someone that is interested will flirt, this isn’t a determining factor.
3. Define the relationship
They want to know where you both stand and where you’re going together. This is an obvious indicator, if this isn’t where you are at with the person, they are simply attracted to you and not interested.
You are going to have great chemistry with many. You can even have great chemistry with friends. Just because you have great chemistry, this isn’t a guarantee that they are really interested in you.
5. Hang out vs Dates
When you spend time with them, it needs to be clear that you are on a date and not just simply hanging out. Someone that is truly interested will want to go on a date with you and make it clear that it's a date. Someone who is simply attracted to you, won’t want to make the commitment and investment, so they will ask you to simply hang out with them.
6. Mixed Signals
A person that really is interested won’t give you mixed signals. If you are feeling like you take steps forward and then steps back, they are not interested in you. Someone that isn't interested won’t care to have clear intentions with you, hence the mixed signals.
7. They want to REALLY get to know you
Someone that is interested asks intentional questions to see if you are a great match. They will want to know what is important to you, they want to know your family background, they want to know your views on romantic relationships, they want to know where you are going in life etc. They are interested!
Ask yourself, is there an equal response? If you always flirt with that person, open up to that person, and want to talk to that person but that person doesn’t give that interest back, they are NOT interested. There needs to be clear reciprocation on both ends.
Is the investment consistent? Meaning, you have consistent communication and consistent dates. So this doesn’t mean you go on a date every once in a while and then they show up whenever they feel like having time for you. This doesn’t mean you hang out often either, remember a date is different to hanging out. If this investment is consistent, they are interested!
Just because you are affectionate, doesn't necessarily mean they are genuinely interested. Although someone that is interested will show affection, this shouldn’t be your determining factor that they are interested.
Please be aware of the differences and make wise choices!
If you have questions on any specifics, please comment and I will answer back. If you have any questions regarding something else, please email me and I will respond!
If you want to listen to the podcast instead, click the link below!
"Don't settle for a relationship that won't let you be yourself" -Oprah
1. Know what you stand for
“If you don’t stand for something, you fall for anything”-Malcolm X. Manipulators love to instill beliefs that will get others to meet their own needs. They will use different reasoning and comparison tactics to get you to budge! For ex: They will use other people to try to say “Well, so and so are doing it and they are happy!” or “I do this for you, why can’t you do this for me”. Sit down for 15 minutes and write down your beliefs, morals, values and standards. Know what they are and why they are there! If you don’t know what they are, that’s a great place to start! Add to this as time goes on and revisit when you need a reminder when times get tough! This will help you define the foundation you stand on.
2. Respond vs React
So what’s the difference right? Reacting is unconscious, whereas responding is conscious. Reacting stems from triggers and conditioned patterns. It’s part of the subconscious mind, the part of the mind that is unconsciously reacting. Maybe you were a people pleaser growing up so you cave in when someone is upset with you. Hence your reaction to giving the manipulator what they want. Maybe you felt insignificant growing up and the way you feel significant now is to be able to meet the needs of others even if it means dishonoring your own. Then, when the manipulator indirectly expresses to you how much they need something to get done, your reaction is to meet it because they know this about you. Or maybe the manipulator expresses how much they need you so you drop anything and anyone to meet their needs. Knowing your triggers and patterns are crucial so you can conciously control them when they arise. Responding means to observe what you are feeling like any outsider would in order to make a quality decision based on what you know is truly right for you. It’s looking beyond the triggers and conditioned thinking, consciously being a part of the response.
3. Learn how to say NO
I understand it’s hard, trust me I used to be a huge people pleaser. I get it. But saying no means saying yes to our sanity. In the beginning while you get better at saying no, I suggest saying “let me think about it and I will get back to you on that”. Don’t say yes to anything right away so you can have time to reflect without any outside pressure or influence. Even if you happen to say yes occasionally, remember you have the right to change your mind by saying “I know I said yes out of reaction but now that I have taken the time to reflect, the answer is no”. Keep in mind that when we allow things to happen that we didn’t genuinely want, it builds self resentment and shame. You may please others around you but when you are alone, you will have to face your inner shame that comes with it. It’s a lonely place. Just when you thought it’d be lonely to lose people over saying no, you’ll realize it’s a lot lonelier keeping the people you have pleased but resenting yourself for losing you. Saying no means pushing past the guilt and meeting the peace that awaits you on the other side. It may take you time to see this beautiful transformation but take it from someone who was a people pleaser, it’s worth it.
4. Have boundaries
When we have boundaries, we are able to establish a clear place to base our yes or no decisions off of. When you spend time with someone for a long time, you start to synchronize brains. “It supports healthy relationships by allowing partners to be “in sync,” and read each other’s cues and minds” (www.psychcenture.com). So what’s the downside of this? Well, when the synchronization is one sided it makes it toxic. It’s healthy when it’s mutual and both needs are being met effortlessly. When this isn’t mutual, we start to develop behaviors and patterns that are inauthentic. When it’s one sided, it’s more of a training tactic than anything else. The manipulator trains you to behave in their favor. A great example of this is retaliation. Where they train you to please them or else they behave in a way you don’t like. For instance, not calling you for a few days as a form of punishment. Training you to synch this into your brain so that you know what not to do without being told. If you don’t know what you have synched at this point, take some space away from this person and things will become more clear. The synchronization process will become weak, making it easier to identify what you have synchronized by association.
5. Set some alone time for yourself
Becoming codependent on someone is nothing new but many don’t even know it happens. If you feel like you are “losing yourself”, this is a sign you are codependent on your partner. If you don’t do what you love or are passionate about anymore due to not having time for it because of your relationship, you have become codependent. Being codependent refers to being dependent on someone emotionally, socially and sometimes physically, not being able to function without them like an addiction. “The main consequence of codependency is that ‘[c]odependents, are busy taking care of others, forget to take care of themselves, resulting in a disturbance of identity development’ “ (www.positivepsychology.com). This means that it’s crucial to have time alone to reflect, learn, spend time with loved ones, do what you love individually and build your own identity!
6. Build that self respect!
Remember that respecting yourself isn’t always going to make sense for others. Self respect isn’t meant for others to agree, please, negotiate and understand. Self respect is built by listening to our inner compass (intuition) and following through with action. This will keep you whole and at peace.
All of these steps help build your self esteem which boosts self confidence! Manipulators love to feed on the insecure. An insecure person is one who has no self respect and low self esteem. If you or anyone you know needs support, please email me at Victoria.firstname.lastname@example.org. Thank you.
"When you change your actions, you change your future"