This is a question many of us have about the current generation. We all have our opinions on this and each opinion shares different angles on the matter. I thought I’d shed light on some of the popular opinions and some of my own I have observed but maybe haven’t heard others address yet.
I’ve heard people state the obvious that because of social-media, we have a much wider range of social-access. People meet online in addition to in person and this makes our generation seem more eager to see if the grass is greener on someone else’s yard. People are left “ghosted” or dumped when faced with problems because we can just connect with the next person. To be honest, I’ve heard this one the most.
More often than not, when you ask those who are in the ages of 18 to early twenties if they are looking for a serious relationship, the majority will respond with no. Many of us were told to work and focus on a career until we are well established to settle down and get married. We learn to be hard working on our studies and focus on our careers which leads me to think that this is why many of us don’t know how to turn this off when we start becoming available for a spouse or get married. Come to think of it, it seems like we hold careers at a higher level of importance as a society rather than a family-unit. Most people will gravitate towards what society prioritizes because they (the ego) wants to win in society.
I do think that the entertainment industry has a huge influence on this fear more than we even stop to think about but let’s dive into the actual life-experience of others. Many in this generation who are looking at the outside of marriage have a deep sense of fear. Divorce rates have increased over the years and because of this, there are adults who witnessed these divorces. Many are simply scared to repeat the past and are now more cautious than previous generations to get married. I can bet that there are some who suffered the impact of watching their parents get divorced and have lost faith in marriage all together. Then, we have those who were a part of a divorce and “lost” a lot of their financial success to another spouse that now speaks horribly of marriage to the younger generation. We are survival-beings that do our best to stay away from what scares us the most.
KNOWING THEMSELVES AND WHAT THEY WANT IN MARRIAGE
Prior generations were encouraged to marry as early as 18, my mom has told me that anyone who reached 25 in her generation were pressured and rushed into finding a spouse. I’d like to bring up a point that this generation has had the previledge in experiencing and that is that this generation that has waited longer to marry, have come to the realization that one knows themselves best past 25. Why is this and is there some truth? Studies have shown that a woman’s brain reaches full development at age 25 and a man’s brain from ages 25-30. Could it possibly be that people in this generation have in part had the opportunity to experience that it’s best to wait past this threshold without knowing that this is in fact the age that a brain fully develops? Psychology.com states that the sweet spot to marry is between ages 28-32. They add that those who marry past 25 are 50% less likely to divorce compared to those who marry at an earlier age such as 20.
MESSAGE FROM VICTORIA GOLD
We all can argue why it’s better to wait or why it’s better to rush to the altar at a young age. Regardless, we cannot close ourselves from the fact that each generation holds GOLDEN nuggets that benefit us and I think it would be wise for us to learn from them all.
Speaker and Author Jim Rohn quotes, “Motivation gets you started. Habit is what keeps you going”. Despite many views about motivation and the argument whether it works in our favor or not, we can’t deny that we still express motivation at different times of our life. Motivation is ultimately an expression of energy that we may define as passion or emotion and it inspires us to take action. This in turn affects your motives in why you are aiming to achieve a goal. I encountered surges of motivation a vast number of times while working in sales, and I can pinpoint exactly where it derived from. Observing this allowed me to come to a realization that there are different levels of this energy and they all take me to an even higher level of satisfaction that is constructive towards my life.
COMPETITION & REVENGE
The first thought I want to bring up is that our mental and emotional state can influence the type of motivation. As you may guess, if we feel angry, resentful, underestimated and maybe even have a sense of proving something, we may derive motivation from competition and revenge. Each type has a different area of focus. As for this level, the area of focus is trying to achieve something through a set of actions that can tangibly show those who doubted us that we are the best or worthy based on achievement. We want those who we felt looked down on us, to look up at us. Sound familiar? For example, I’ll use my own experience when working in sales. A type of motivation they used was competition in the office and outside with other offices. As effective as it was to get numbers up and for sales reps to leap into action, it was temporary and because it was temporary we had to push others to compete again and again. The outcome came from feeling happy to have achieved something but I can honestly tell you that it brought no satisfaction to my life as a whole, I wouldn’t say it brought forth any qualities worth admiring. Everything we do with great tenacity, like motivation, has an effect on who we become. If the focus is “me” and the achievement is based on something that benefits “me” what do you think this does to you? You can probably assume that this will create a self-righteous and egocentric version of you. In this case, we have seen time and time again many people become arrogant in the sports industry. This isn’t to say all people who play sports derive their motivation from this level but I would say that this could be the most common. Although this may be the first taste of motivation to most, I would highly encourage others to discover different ways to express motivation.
I’m sure you’ve heard the term, “level up”, “new year, new me”, “boss up” etc. Most of the time, the state of mind we may find ourselves in while deriving this type of motivation is when we aren’t happy with something about ourselves and we want to make it better, hence “self-improvement”. This level will make you hungry to develop better habits, discipline and even a sense of pride for achieving what may be a better version of yourself. When people feel that they have achieved results in the areas they wanted to improve on, they start to tackle another area and then another. They get a high that blossoms from their self-esteem and what tends to happen is they feel like it’s not enough. Now, you have this feeling that you just aren’t satisfied and you never will be satisfied, that it’s a normal-thing. A lot of us can grow happy for all that we have achieved and maybe stay on this level, we think “Well, I’m great! I’m a solid human-being, look at all that I have achieved for myself and my loved ones. I’ll just keep setting bigger goals to achieve the next big thing”. Fortunately, I worked for a sales company that had a business model that evolved my motivation-level to the next.
MAKING AN IMPACT
Those that have experienced a taste of this level are the ones who have shared their growth onto others. I remember being 2 years in sales and I reached a place where I was achieving multiple awards and recognition for improving my numbers. The company had a system where you could train and lead a team when your numbers met the training-standard. I was promoted and off I went to develop and train a team. I grew a deep desire to act and work like I had never done before. It wasn’t about me anymore it was about helping others, serving them as their leader so that they too could see this grand-potential they had within them. I can’t explain the energy that fuels your soul when helping others until you do it yourself but I believe that’s what we were made for. Another example is when a man named, Mully, went from being what he calls, street-boy, to a multi billionaire and gave that all up to make an impact on others who lived on the streets like he did. He adopted kids off the streets and took care of them until soon he had more than 500 kids! He has now created an education system where all the kids live in a self-sustainable land and get the opportunity to go to college off tuition free thanks to Mully’s impact. Our souls were made for servanthood and to connect with others where the focus is not limited to you. Think about how limiting it must be to derive energy from within you and it only comes back to you. There’s no value being placed to the world outside of you, no impact. The definition of impact is to come into forcible contact with another object. When we work passionately to serve the well-being of others, that force has an immense amount of energy that only multiplies like a compound effect! We all have purpose and we are all valuable but when we speak on how we go about manifesting it, this is how our value truly manifests itself.
MESSAGE FROM VICTORIA
I hope that in moments where we act through passion, we can reflect and really ask ourselves where this motivation is stemming from. Let's continue to explore who we are and manifest our truest selves. Peace and love be with you!
I was going through journal entries from my early twenties and I ran across several where I expressed my familiarity with loneliness. There was a specific one that stood out to me and I can recall it: June, 2015 No one was home and I had no plans. No one was looking for me and I could feel my body sink into the bed. My thoughts began to follow the anxiety I had developed in my chest and stomach. Thoughts began to surface, "I have nothing to do and that just shows how pathetic my life is. I have no one wanting to spend time with me or care about how I am feeling at this moment". That wasn't the first nor would it be the last time I had come face to face with loneliness. Due to these recurring episodes, I thought it was my fault for facing this over and over. That maybe I just wasn't loveable or maybe I was just pushing people away and all though some of that could have been true, these episodes weren't punishments, they were necessary but I was too blind to see it.
Reacting to Loneliness
Loneliness feels different to all of us. As for me, it felt like fear, sadness and like I didn't exist. The mind connects to our feelings and tries to make sense out of it all. Mine conjured up ideas on how to find the cure by scanning numerous options until my body grew anxious, depressed and soon impatient. My impatience motivated me to seek any distraction in order to let the wave pass over. I would finally convince myself that it was the only way to move passed this so I would look for that dating app on my phone, call someone to rescue me or I would scroll on social media. Anything to let the emptiness fade away. I had no idea that my reactions to loneliness were only numbing it but never healing it. I didn't think this could be healed, I thought it was just something I had to runaway from whenever it came. Until one day I was tired of going through this cycle and I confronted it.
Responding to loneliness
I began to learn that I was not my mind nor was I my body, I am a soul. This beautiful body is a vessel that allows me to express my authentic-self living inside me. The next time loneliness came over me, I decided to observe my body. I observed it like a parent listening to a crying child and asking them what they feel. Once I had begun the interview, the same low-vibration thought began to surface, the same memories that brought me sadness, the future and the past fought in my mind. My body follows my mind like a sibling does when they agree on what mutually bothers them. I, the observer of all of this, began to listen and discern like a parent would. Every time a thought came up I knew wasn't true, I transformed it and when insecurities arose, I committed to making changes so that my current self could be on the path to manifesting the highest most authentic expression. I was finally confronting all the parts of my current self I was ignoring or letting off the hook. I had forgotten my responsibility of recalibrating, it was up to me. I can honestly tell you that this moment was magical.
Our body seeks for our guidance. We think, feel, and the body follows. Sometimes if we’re used to a certain type of emotion in specific environments, our body will just repeat the energy we have attached it to in the past. To really understand this, think of what it feels like to dread something, but truly go there for a second. Where do you feel it most in your body when you dread something? Now let’s apply it to the gym, let’s say you dread going to the gym, and you repeat that vibration over and over, we will train that in our body. Our energy changes like water does when you put a drop of dye in it. Observation is the start of our recalibration. Our job at this moment is to seek a shift of perspective. A higher perspective is always at reach and ready to recalibrate our energy. While on my journey of healing my loneliness, I learned that we must be masters of shifting perspective, that’s where the healing emerges. Once I applied this key, I never went through loneliness the same again.
Message from Victoria
I hope that in moments of loneliness, you can sit, go through the motions like you would to master a cold shower. Sit through the discomfort with the purpose of observing the body and mind. Then, start to slowly but surely take control back consciously and with consistency, you will come closer to expressing your truest-self, your soul.
GIVING A RIDE TO A STRANGER
Life can be more than getting through repetitive routines and crossing to-do lists. Through the midst of what we may feel is a mundane week, we can be receptive to life’s magic. There are moments we may feel like we aren’t making that great of an impact as we know we can be making. When I feel like this I am careful and alert because in these times we could make the mistake of gravitating towards short term stimulation instead of seeking food for the soul.
I began to open myself up daily with one single question, “How can I be of service?”. I pray to God about this every morning and throughout the day. I just had this hunger to be obedient to life’s needs which includes the needs of others around me. I wanted to be connected to life outside of me. To be a part of a bigger plan that wasn’t curated by my own pen and time table.
To my surprise, the day had come. It was cold, rainy and the wind was blowing vigorously in all different directions. I was at a Starbucks 5 minutes away from my house and I ordered a big iced coffee despite it being cold haha. I had planned to catch up on an investment course I had purchased so I was determined and focused with my headphones on. Only 30 minutes had passed when I noticed a woman in her 50s come into the store. She carried multiple blankets and a large bag with clothes in it. She charged her phone just enough to make a short phone call and as she began to walk out of the store she walked past me and asked, “Do you have $1.25 ?” “No, I don’t carry cash, I'm sorry” I said. She smiled, thanked me and left the store. I wanted to help so I got up to check my wallet to make sure and I had no cash. Then, I felt a very subtle tug in my thoughts, “Go offer her a ride”. I’ve never done this before but I felt so honored that this may be the moment I had been praying for, the opportunity to be of service and I ran outside. I noticed she had reached quite a distance away so I shouted, “Could I give you a ride!” She turned immediately and said yes as she paced towards me, she seemed relieved and in awe of my offer. I was so delighted!
She asked me to drop her off at her parents and we made small talk. Her name was Roshelle, she’s a grandma of a boy and a girl. As I approached her parent’s house she thanked me and I said “God told me to give you a ride” and she said, “Oh, I believe it! Right before you came outside I prayed ‘Oh, God, if only someone could offer to give me a ride!”. I sat there knowing that we were each other’s answered prayer. Once I dropped her off, I was overjoyed and I wanted to do it again! I wondered how many missed opportunities like these I had passed by because I was too busy in my own plans to look up and become available to the needs of others. John Maxwell said in a sermon, “God will never give you blessings he can’t use through you”.
MESSAGE FROM VICTORIA
I hope that as you go through your busy day, you can ask yourself, “How can I be of service?”. I know you are busy and I know you have places to be but the world is filled with magical moments. Gandhi once said, “The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others”.
i stopped rejecting my femininity
As a kid I grew up seeing two types of girls in movies, the girly girls and the tomboys. I was maybe 5 or 6 when I saw a movie where the “tom boy” got all the attention. She was tough, fast, liked by all the boys and she wasn’t a drama queen. Oftentimes the girly girls in the movies were the pretty, stylish and mean girls. Since I was bullied over my looks, I never identified as a girly girl in the movies. I had made up my mind that I was a Tom-boy.
My only favorite part of school was P.E. (Physical Education). I loved sports and this is also a quality that was associated with Tomboys. I was extremely competitive and as I played sports I could tell there was this part of me that wanted to beat the boys. I wanted to prove to them I could be just as fast, just as strong and just as good. I had this narrative in my head given by society: “Girls can do anything boys can do!” so I felt like I had to prove myself. During our weekly mile runs, I never beat the boys. I was always the fastest girl but never the fastest person compared to boys. Looking back I can’t believe I was comparing myself.
I entered sales in the financial Industry at a very young age, I was 18. The more successful I got in the company, the more I was asked to be less like me. I was always very friendly, laughed a lot, wore bright colors and encouraged everyone. Well, this was a problem. I was told many times by different mentors to start wearing pants over business skirts and dresses. I was told to stop being too friendly, nurturing and bubbly. I was told to be more serious and more distant towards my team because this caused men to be distracted by me. Don’t get me wrong, I understood their concerns but now looking back I saw how this bit of my femininity was the reason why I was unique in my style. Why I could see things that a lot of men in this industry weren’t seeing. My mentors couldn’t see that at the time they were protecting what they had always seen and known as normal to them. They wanted me to blend in and achieve success the way masculines have. I don’t think that’s how they saw it at the time but I could feel that they were asking me to be more masculine.
My culture is Mexican-American, I was first born here in the U.S. and mostly in Mexican culture, men lead everything and to be quite honest it’s done in what we call a Machismo-way. The Machismo way is what we describe as a dynamic where the man decides and runs the household because they don’t value the opinion of their wife. They think it’s irrelevant. Now, my family has changed a lot since my childhood years but this was something that I dealt with for at least the first 15 years of my life. On my dad’s side of the family, my grandparents had 9 chilen, 7 of which were men. As a little girl, I witnessed these uncles portray a lot of these machismo qualities. The women weren’t respected much and there was a lot of infidelity. As I got older I talked to my girl cousins and we found something in common, we all had adopted machismo traits in our dating life because we didn’t want to be at the opposite end of the stick. A lot of us subconsciously thought, if I am the “tough” one, I won’t be disrespected like the women in our family. A lot of us thankfully have healed from this but it was a fear we allowed to that made us think being feminine was weak.
Embracing my feminine grace
I think I was about 23 when I realized that I wasn’t my true-self. That I wasn’t this soft nurturing girl I once was as a child. I knew it at the core of my being. I sat down one day like a detective for 5 hours writing down where the shift happened. As you may guess, it was a sequence of so many events. I bawled my eyes out, I cried and I was ashamed to learn that I had done this in a very settle way. I had rejected my femininity a little due to one event, then a little more, then a little more until I buried this gift that God had given me, my femininity. I can’t explain how it clicked but simply that it was by asking God to show me what true femininity was. What it’s true purpose was in the world. How it looked like in marriage, raising children, in society and what it would look like for me to embrace it. Then, little by little I began to honor my feminine energy and it’s purpose for it. I had to learn to forgive others for their opinions that dealt with my embracing this energy. Many women thought I was wrong, many men took it for granted but those that heard my story were able to relate in some way . Both men and women were able to see themselves in my story because this also happens to masculinity.
Message from Victoria
I hope that you can walk forward with an open heart to both challenge your God given energy to truly embrace it. Please don’t hesitate to reach out and ask for an ear to listen. If you wonder about price, don’t worry, the first session is free and I never talk about prices over a session. I am there to just listen and if you are then curious, you can email me to ask about any interests regarding rates.
I think many times we get self-consumed that we turn romance into this game and we get lost in it. We start asking, “well, why does it matter who asks who on the date?” “How long should I wait to text them?” “Should I play hard to get?”. I get it, we are influenced by this entity in us we call the ego. No one wants to be the fool, everyone wants to look cool and collected while they pursue or are being pursued. The ego wants to protect our image, I get it. Better yet, let’s accept it but let’s not let it consume our intentions. This is why I do believe there is a purpose for this dance that the pursuer and the one being pursued part take in. Although there is a purpose for it, I do believe that it’s gotten lost and it’s become a gray-zone for many.
So, now we wonder, “well, then how is it supposed to be? How do we come back to the nature of romance?”. For a while now I’ve talked to my clients about masculinity and femininity but never posted anything public because I feared confusing anyone. Now that I see the world is becoming reintroduced to these energies, I am choosing to now write about this partnership. If we look at nature, we can easily find our way back to its true purpose. Despite gender, there is no doubt that masculinity and femininity is a partnership, a powerful one. There is a documentary on Netflix that deals with how birds pursue their mate, “Dancing with the birds” . I encourage you to watch it. I love recommending this to my clients so that they better understand these energies. They soon find out that masculinity is the pursuer and femininity the one being pursued. Why is this so?
Whether we choose to procreate or not, that’s up to everyone individually. We cannot argue with the fact that reproduction is the reason we all exist and so we naturally have this attraction to the pursuit. Chemicals are also released in our bodies to signal to us that “Hey, this is a good thing”. Which is no wonder why we make such a huge deal about romance, intimacy, flirting etc we naturally can’t help it! A blog by Psychology Today states, “Dopamine is stimulated by the ‘chase’ aspect of love… Oxytocin is stimulated by touch, and by social trust”. Again, let me repeat, THIS IS A NATURAL THING. Where does it get all messed up?
If we don’t know how to control the ego, we will let it get in the way of this beautiful romance. Being that masculines pursue, they have a responsibility and they have the lead in the dance. I love salsa and bachata, there is such a thing as a lead and a follower, they are both just as important but it does mean that there must be an initiator in the matter. The masculines are the initiators, they are the ones that must be courageous enough to start the dance. Why does it matter? This matters because this sets the tone of the relationship. I have sat with many women who complain about attracting passive men and when I ask who is the one who initiated the romance, they look at me like I’m crazy wondering why it matters. Then, I sit with men complaining about how they aren’t attracted to these women that want the relationship to go in a direction they aren’t ready yet. Again I will ask, who initiates the romance and they will say “well, the women do. I don’t have a problem attracting women”. I smile and we get into how important it is for masculines and feminines to honor their energy in these romance dynamics or they will build a relationship that isn’t fulfilling.
The truth is just that simple, fulfillment. Just like we seek this in all the other areas of our life, the purpose of this dance is to become fulfilled in our love lifes. Honoring this dynamic feeds us in a way that we were programmed to but may be unfamiliar to. It takes genuine effort and genuine reciprocation on both parts. Trying to play games only feeds the ego that craves different things at different times. It will never lead you to true fulfillment. Being the pursuer does take effort, integrity, and courage. Allowing yourself to be pursued takes a leap of faith, patience and honesty.
Message from Victoria
I hope you develop the ability to let go of your ego and partake in this dance when your intuition asks you to. Peace and love be with you.
If you have further questions on how to develop this in your life. Please, don’t hesitate to inquire about your session because the first one is free!
There are days the lake is fluid with ripples that unfold gracefully. Other days, you wake up and notice the same lake becoming frozen with no expression covered in a sheet of ice. The trees have let go of their leaves and have purposely become dormant. Night and Day seem like they’ve become two equals appearing to carefully share the day with no daylight. The energy seems to become slower. What does this say about ourselves?
It’s no surprise to anyone that we are all connected. We all serve a purpose to each other whether we can help it or not. So, how does Winter do this for us? If the earth itself is going through a specific season, how foolish of us not to consider that it may have an effect on us. Winter for the majority of us may be a time for family and holiday-fun. For nature around us, it’s a time of preservation and preparation. Harvest will purposely slow down their flourishment and conserve their energy for new growth. Some animals will migrate to different areas, others will hibernate and several will just adapt.
Now, it is true that our winter is different from others and that this season affects others differently in other places of the world but I think it’s still wise to consider how this season affects us individually. For instance, how do we align or better yet connect to it in this current space of our life? I believe we are always being guided by life and a higher-power you may believe in which for me is God. This energy guides us, pulls us, and has given us this beautiful world to use for pure motives. Let's observe and see how we are connected to help each other through this journey we call life.
As we look at our life, I challenge you to ask how winter is showing up in your current path? What is winter pushing you to do? Whether it’s adapting, letting go of something, or even just slowing down, it’s time for us to prepare for new growth. There can be much more meaning to this season than we think. I think there’s power in the fact that January became the first month of the new year, during one of the peaks of winter (for many). Wikipedia.com states “In order to realign the Roman calendar with the sun, Julius Caesar had to add 90 extra days to the year 46 B.C. when he introduced his new Julian calendar. He also changed New Year's Day to January 1st. Caesar wanted to honor Janus, the two-faced god who looks backwards into the old year and forward into the new year”. After having read this, I am blown away by how important it is to acknowledge the seasons in nature as we live the seasons in our own life. We are two of the same, nature-earth and nature-beings. Let's take a moment to look back for the sake of reflection and re-evaluate on how to move forward.
I have thought of questions for a moment of reflection. I invite you to sit down, pull a journal out and start reflecting!
DOES YOUR FREE-TIME HOLD PURPOSE?
We get out of work, or we come back from an errand and we realize we have extra time before the next thing, what should we do? Our mind has the tendency to pull us into autopilot and go in our phones or T.V. We shut off for those extra 30 minutes or hour while we wait. This leads me to the question, "Are we treating our free-time lightly? Could that time actually mean something?"
Yesterday I got out of work feeling a little drained over all the moving parts which required me to pull my attention to different tasks. I felt like doing what I had been doing that week; turn on the T.V. and watch something that could stimulate my mind for me. Deep down I knew I shouldn’t and so although I could observe this desire to do nothing, I chose to place my energy on setting a nice ambiance for a little reading time. I turned on some classical-music which I call my “focus music”, I grabbed a cozy blanket along with my journal and an inspiring book. Only two minutes had passed and I could feel my mind wanting to stop and finish reading, so I didn’t.
I finished reading after 40 minutes and I could feel my mind saying, “FINALLY!” so I grabbed my journal and began to reflect on what I read. My pen began to write but I could feel the spirit of impatience come over me and I sensed that I was rushing myself. I took a deep breath and slowed down, this worked for a little but still I wanted deep down to be done. After writing for 10 minutes, I felt this voice inside of me, “Now we deserve TV time", so then I got up and sat myself down in front of a window to meditate for no specific reason. I could feel this huge urge to stop and do something that didn't require any effort.
I sat still in my chair and began with my breathing exercise which I often do when I am having trouble calming my energy. After a moment, my body surrendered to my direction. I focused on the center of my eyes and then down to my chest. I hadn't felt this before but there was tension in my chest, not the physical-kind but more of this feeling I get when I have anxiety or when I’m nervous. I sat silently without stirring thoughts to try and figure out why I felt it. I began to take bigger breaths and I started to imagine my chest opening up. I began to visualize energy near my chest flow and open up. Then, I began to cry!
Tears began to stream down my face as though I had been triggered by an event but I hadn’t! I chose not to analyze why I began to cry or better yet why I needed to cry and I just began to cry. After just 3 minutes, I started to think of loved ones that had passed years ago, I began to think about what I was grateful for and how I wanted to serve God better, all without forcing any of it. I needed this and I didn’t even know it, but my intuition did. I didn’t know that my intuition would show me these things in my mind during meditation and to be honest I still don’t know why but it helped the balance of my energy and in result, I sensed this realignment to my soul. As I finished my meditation, it dawned on me, "what if I would've treated my free-time as if it didn't have meaning? What if I just turned on the T.V. and turned my mind off? How much more time would I have postponed for this recalibration to happen?". After this gap of time was up, my sister honked her horn as she waited for me to hop in to the next activity. I smiled and thought, "That was free-time held purpose".
Message from Victoria GOLD
We all know that our time matters, but sometimes we lose sight of how much purpose we can choose to give and receive during our free-time. What purpose can come from 10 minutes or even an hour of our time with meaningful actions? I didn’t come into my free-time thinking, “I know something will come from my free-time”, instead I chose to do things that have meaning. It can be choosing to read or choosing to volunteer somewhere, maybe bake something for someone or even calling someone to encourage them. We don’t know how it will happen but I personally choose not to know and just be the conscious part that moves towards meaningful-actions. I am humbled to see how the seed of purpose blossoms and I hope you continue to plant some of it too.
LOVE, Victoria GOLD
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I am reading a true story about a woman who went through trials and tribulations since she was 6 years old. Going through sexual, emotional, verbal and physical abuse for years at a time. She speaks on the times she considered patterns in her dating life as “normal” because it’s what she had known. I started to reflect on my own experiences and was inspired to write this.
I can’t tell you the many times I felt like I was in a relationship where we were both trying to prove who was worth more than the other. You may never admit this kind of behavior as, “competing against each other" but it is in fact competing. An example of this is not giving genuine compliments because one doesn’t want to give their partner a “big head”. When you are in a partnership, you WANT to empower your partner so that they can only feel more secure about themselves with you. If you or your partner hold back on the compliments because you are fearful about the other feeling like they are better, then you are overlooking this very unhealthy trait.
When a person isn’t feeling secure about themselves (which is normal in moderation), they will often look for ways to get reactions out of their partner. I have seen this in myself and in others which is why I want to expose this trait. Maybe your partner has been busy lately and this is making you feel insecure so you start bickering over little things; you ultimately want them to worry about you. When one realizes there is a problem, they place their attention on trying to fix it which results in your partner placing their focus on you. This is manipulation and is not healthy. I would very much consider reflecting on the true root; feeling lack of value in oneself. If insecurity hits, find ways to make an impact and add value to places around you. When we add value to the world we feel valuable. Volunteer somewhere, help someone with a favor or start a new hobby to add that value back into yourself! What we want to stay away from is getting in the way of our partner’s opportunity to add value to themselves because this only robs your opportunity to do the same.
Yes, I said it! This here is one of the most overlooked and common traits! They say something we didn’t like so we say something back. They did something that you thought wasn’t considerate so you do that same thing so they “know how it feels”. Why do we do this?! Lack of emotional-intimacy. Intimacy isn’t just physical, it’s emotional. When a partnership has lacked emotional-intimacy recently or always, it’s oftentimes difficult to communicate and be transparent when feelings get hurt. We try to act like everything is okay or we just wait for the best time to get them back. Being passive aggressive only results in dwelling and suppressing the big or small issues that turn into years of resentment, it’s a snowball effect! Think of it like a prank-war, one always waiting to get the other back or waiting for the other to make their move. Your relationship should feel safe, if it doesn’t, it’s unhealthy! Consider sitting down and being clear about this specific trait you have noticed in your relationship and make a mutual commitment to making your relationship a place you feel safe. When you feel like being spiteful, SAY IT! I once told a guy I dated, “I need to be transparent with you because if I don’t, I will find another way to try and ‘get you back’ for how you made me feel and I don’t want that”. This set the conversation up for clarity and made it much easier for me to share why I was hurt even if it was embarrassing to say. This builds true emotional-intimacy which is needed to build trust.
Message from Victoria GOLD
I really hope that this was helpful and it resonates with at least a handful of you. If you would like a more one on one reflection, don’t hesitate to reach out to me!
During sessions with clients, I’ll usually ask about their past relationships and they’ll give me an answer like, “Oh yeah! I’ve moved on. I’m over that” and then I follow up with, “So, you’ve cut all ties?” and I don’t know if you’d be surprised by this but 2 out of 10 will answer yes to my question.
Why is cutting ties so hard?
I really have put a lot of thought into this question. I’ll ask those who don’t cut ties as to why they haven’t and most of the time I’ll get, “We wanted to remain friends” or “I didn’t feel like we needed to because we didn’t end badly”. Whether you believe in cutting ties or not, we must accept that to every cause there is an effect, a consequence. The majority of the time, when people don’t cut ties with an ex, one will usually cling to the idea that they’ll get back together and the other wants to truly move on. As for me, In the past I used to feel bad about breaking up with a partner so I’d allow them to remain in my life until they moved on themselves. At the time, I didn’t think of how constructive it could be to cut ties. I also want to add that nowadays it’s easier not to cut ties. We have social media and cell phones that need to be updated after a break up. Many would rather avoid this step and disregard it all together which leads to the observation that many don’t cut ties after a break up. The truth of the matter is, we aren’t intentional about it because we dismiss one major factor about a break up, detachment.
A break up is not only emotional, but mental, spiritual and physical. After a break up, If you move onto someone else (physical/rebound), it may seem like you’ve moved on but all you’ve really done is attach yourself to someone else. Think of a string connected from you to that ex, and through this string you give and receive energy and so, it serves you. When you break up, this string goes through a change and so you don’t receive and give from this string like you once did. During this change, you feel discomfort, sadness and sometimes anxious because you know this break up had something to do with it. This string is illusive obviously, but the ego thinks of it as part of itself, its identity and so it’s left thinking “how can I fix this? I know! I will _____fill in the blank_____. Some people go to what I call, fillers, the vises we use to try to suppress the discomfort. Others use distraction like a rebound, more work or partying, but what we need is space to heal. We need time to grief from the “loss” of an attachment, the illusive string connected to this idea/identity of being in a relationship with that person or in a relationship at all. Again, I must repeat that space to heal is necessary.
Healing through Cutting Ties
Cutting ties is extremely constructive after a break up. Whether you think you need it or not, it’s about having humility in the process that there’s a part of you that needs it. The first time I decided to cut ties was after a 3 year on & off relationship. I remember thinking, “I need to do this whole break-up thing differently this time” and so I cut ties by deleting messages, pictures, phone-number and unfollowing on all social media. I didn’t even really know at the time what it could do, all I can recall was feeling anxious, nervous and regretting I did it. Then, after allowing myself to grief this loss, I felt lighter and anxiety didn’t visit as often. As time passed, my mind adopted the idea that I was no longer with that partner. During this, I went through different energy phases; I was going through energy withdrawals, missing the person’s energy because I was used to it. Then, the time came where my body missed romantic affection and I just wanted to cuddle with someone; feel desired. But even through that, I continued to honor my being single and then that void melted away. I vividly remember waking up one morning and feeling so at peace and it dawned on me that I was finally at peace with being single. Let me tell you, I will NOT go through break ups the same way I used to. Part of growing is upgrading the way we go through break ups.
Message from Victoria GOLD
You may be wondering, how do I do this? First, have faith that this could be transformative to your journey. Next, tell the person you need space for yourself and you don’t need to give a timeframe. You must be prepared for possible push back, people aren’t always going to honor your decision but respect yourself enough to honor your decision. I have faith in your journey.