I was at my sister and brother in law’s new home in Indiana when my views on Independence were challenged. I sat in a cushioned chair in their four-seasons room while I sipped my coffee and stared out the window towards the river. I thought to myself, “I am so excited to get to the point where I am totally independent!” and just as quickly as that thought came, another one came through. I say it was God because it didn’t feel like my own, it came from a place higher in comparison to the level of my awareness was at that time. I felt God say, “No one is Independent. You need air to breathe, food to eat, warmth to stay alive and people to give you money. I made life this way so that you can all need one another”. 
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Where did the Independence mindset come from?
I can only speak from my own experience and observation. I will say that in my personal life, I wanted to be independent because that was the narrative I was often given. “Don’t depend on anybody”, “People will let you down”, “Don’t expect much from others” and the list can go on. I was creating this idea in my head that I couldn’t trust anyone and that I was better off depending on myself. The life-story that best defines this in my life would be when I was in sales. I got to a point in the company where I was leading 30-50 people on my team and I had to regulate licenses, sales, new-hires, training and more. I wanted control over everything because I didn’t want to get too comfortable relying on someone’s help due to fear. Many destructive behaviors came from this. I didn’t take feedback well as I should’ve, I would quickly dismiss ideas, and the worst one was that through my actions, I gave everyone this sense that I thought they were inferior to me. It was horrible and I didn’t realize how limiting this was to a collaborative environment. My pride in wanting to be independent was being challenged in my every day life. In romantic relationships, I didn’t want to be transparent, I didn’t allow men to take care of me in meaningful ways; I was pushing connections away. It took some inner-work to strip away this narrative that plays loud and soundly to this day of my limiting beliefs of independence. Now I strive to be resourceful, not independent. 

Resourceful vs Independent
I agree that being resourceful is something we all strive to be, even at a young age. We want to be “big kids” and do things for ourselves. I have a kind friend who, despite his disabilities, strives to be resourceful in his everyday life. I won’t deny this human desire to feel like we are capable of bringing value to a space and community because we can. We want to serve and contribute to a cause bigger than just ourselves; it’s our human nature. The more I observe the current generation, I notice that to be resourceful and to be independent stem from two different vocations. I can see pride growing in striving to be independent and at the same time I also see the selfishness that can derive from such a mindset. As soon as we believe we stand alone, we treat everything and anyone as secondary to us. This creates a subconscious idea that we must look out for ourselves solely and never allow ourselves to accept that we can be a team with others. I see this in relationships today, people saying out loud, “I don’t need a man/woman”, but this isn’t true. Without a man and a woman, we wouldn’t be here. Being resourceful in life is an asset but to be independent is to not be human. 

Dependence has its purpose
We are not independent. We must value everything and anyone that provides any type of resource to our lives. A man or woman might say, “Well, I’m a farmer and I don’t need civilization. I live on my own land!”. Even then, you need the soil, the sun, water, your health and mobility in your body to do what you need to do. Being dependent teaches us to respect life, people and it unites us with one another. Dependence has its purpose in our well-being. We need our mother’s womb to survive during those 9 months of pregnancy. We can’t be in a loving human-relationship without another being. Dependence is good in many ways and I hope we can see this.

​Peace and Love be with you,
Victoria GOLD

Humans are powerful and they have the ability to become whomever they want. Unfortunately, a great portion of the world has been consumed in system and chaos. The majority of us are either blending into a system or reacting to the chaos. All of this starts to condition the way we build our life. What you may think is normal may instead be familiar. 

Having Clarity 
Clarity is relevant to every angle you choose to look at it from. You can gain clarity through certainty in your judgment or you can gain clarity through uncertainty in your intuition. You may have stories of how you felt your words were the “right” words to say and they were. Maybe you knew to go left when it made sense to go right but at the end you made the correct answer. Some readers like myself, read about the time Martin Luther King Jr chose to go to jail in the worst time possible when the movement needed him the most. That his decision grew from a place where logic ceased to exist and intuition was able to bloom. His intuition led him to a vibration stronger than any fear or doubt that logic brought forth, it led him towards peace. 

Intuition
Intuition has been the mystery of man through the ages of time. How do we access it? How do I know it’s my intuition? How do I strip logic away? What if I told you that you’ve already done what you need to do to train this part of you - It’s called conditioning. Your ability to grow the truest part of you that you consider “uncertain”, is what it took to make you certain in your logic. Could you imagine learning to become certain in your uncertainty?

Conditioning the Uncertainty of Intuition
I was talking to a friend about my journey of entrepreneurship and self-employment. He said to me, “You are very risky. I don’t think I could do that”, to which my answer was, “It’s not that I am not aware of risk in comparison to someone else, I was just conditioned to see risk differently”. In my late teens and early twenties I chose to go into sales instead of taking the traditional route to college. All around me were people who turned the impossible into possible; it was my normal. I saw people fail miserably and rise in victory. Risk and failures were just a moment to pass through in the journey, not something to avoid. I didn’t have the certainty of a system where if you just aced this test or finished this assignment you passed. I was conditioned to create systems that worked best according to the obstacles that would arise in each moment. I couldn’t afford not to listen to my intuition, even though I didn’t know this is what I was doing. I just had this deep understanding that the peace I was feeling was more real than anything I could physically see. 

Faith
Yes, I know, “Another talk about faith!”. There is no other way to condition this gift inside you that I call, your inner compass. This is the ONLY way. Faith is the certainty when the physical and logical mind sees uncertainty. It is the only way to walk into dark places so that you can come out with loads of wisdom. Wisdom is the GOLD you achieve in the darkest places. You must gain wisdom while in your visit with darkness so that you can become the light to find your way out. Through repetition, you gain a trust and confidence in yourself that CANNOT be attained otherwise. This enables you to pass through risk like nobody's business but your own. 
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My message to you
I don’t know how your relationship is with your intuition but the work in building a strong one will forever be worth it. 

Love and Peace be with you! 
-Victoria GOLD

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Friends that have tried to comfort me have said, “don’t let people affect you”. This was always the hardest thing to do because people and situations in my life have affected me. I've felt ashamed for being weak and not doing what it seemed like many were doing; not letting people and situations affect them. What was I doing wrong?
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CHANGING MY RESPONSE
I’d soon come face to face with an experience that would again affect me. A friend said something that embarrassed me and I instantly began to tear up. He began to apologize and take back what was said. I couldn’t speak and I just sat there trying not to cry. Instead of suppressing how it affected me, I asked myself why it did and I knew exactly why it did. What he said to me was something I had already said to myself but to hear someone else acknowledging it, made it all more true. As he continued to feel sorry, my response wasn’t what he expected. I told him that he didn’t upset me, that the emotions had already existed because I said it to myself. That it wasn’t his fault that I was upset, that if I didn’t feel this way already, it wouldn’t have affected me this way. We got off the phone and I recognized I needed a moment of solitude to journal what I had learned by embracing the emotions that arose instead of neglecting them. As I wrote down my beginning thoughts, my attention was pulled to the tree outside my window and I understood. ​

THE TREE OUTSIDE MY WINDOW 
​As I watched this tree outside my window, I noticed the branches move to the wind, leaves covered with snow because of the weather and still, the tree remained grounded. It didn’t try to prove that it wasn’t affected nor try to create strategies to ignore the way it was clearly being affected, it just remained grounded. This magnificent tree remained still and it’s roots held on to what was important; the ground. It humbly embraced the changes of it’s environment and allowed itself to grow along with it. It uses the heat of the summer to recharge, the support of fall to prepare for winter and it confidently blooms in spring.  

QUESTIONS I CONSIDERED
Trees know that their growth is part of the effect. People will say things to us that affect our emotions about ourselves but how well do we stay grounded? How do we remain confident in the process of our growth? Where are our roots? In the ground, or in the opinions and moments that blow us like the wind? All these questions surfaced as I looked outside my window. My pen couldn’t keep up with the wisdom I was learning from my friend, The Tree. Now the real question is, what do we do in moments where we are affected?

WHAT TO DO
We must know what keeps our roots grounded, what our roots resemble and how to use them. Your roots symbolize your worth, values, actions, truth and your purpose. Always take time to recharge yourself by creating moments that empower your roots. A tree uses its leaves to transform the light of the sun to energy, then it let’s go of the leaves to survive winter. During these harsh winters, the roots release the food reserves it stored to fuel the tree so that it can produce what it needs for spring. The fuel needed during winter symbolizes the moments of solitude that will be required through self-talk, gratitude, grace, love and repeating empowering affirmations. When you are affected by people and situations in your life that resemble that of a winter, take time to reevaluate, recommit if you have to and refocus your attention to your roots in the ground. 

MY MESSAGE TO YOU
So long as you take time to reground your roots, you will be as strong as a tree during the harshest winters. You will grow humility like the tree and take responsibility for your times of instability. Through this, you will be reminded of the importance of growing your roots so that you remain grounded. 

Peace and love be with you!
Victoria GOLD

Life is spontaneous, nature is spontaneous and so is the body we have dominion over but it also has a base structure. Without the structure of seasons, the earth cannot bloom to its fullest potential and without the structure of our bodies, it will not do what it’s required to do. Structure is the root of existence and the cause of clarity.

The importance of structure in Dating
We have reached an age of dating where there is a variety of people who follow different paths and long for separate desires. Some people believe in monogamy and others believe in polygamy. We find those who don’t really have a clue on why they are dating, then there are the intentional-types who know exactly why they date someone. Despite the differences, aiming to have structure in a diverse playing field gives us the ability to navigate with clarity. Without structure, we can often find ourselves confused, lost and investing energy in a relationship we know will not amount to what we want. So, what is the structure you may be wondering, that answer will come after you have identified your values
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Values
Sit for a moment and write down what you value the most in a list. After identifying your values in the mind, begin by identifying your values through your life-style. If you were to write down everything you do from Monday through Sunday for one month, and someone had to identify your values based on that, what would they be? I want you to really consider this because you may say you value something when in reality you don’t value it in comparison to what you actually invest your energy in. Values are what we invest our energy in the most. After you consider what you value through action, ask yourself if this aligns to what you actually want to value. If it doesn’t, this is where you should begin your structure. Begin to reevaluate your life-style so that your daily actions can honor what you listed that you value. This is vital when embarking in the dating scene because you will encounter people with different values that may not align with yours. If you don’t have an idea of how values actually mold your life, you may find yourself years later in a relationship that you have utterly lost yourself in. Once you have identified this first part of your structure, move onto your standards.

Standards
When we enter a job, there are standards we must abide by so that we can hold our performance accountable with the intent to deliver a goal. Without standards in your structure, there will always be room for betrayal and distraction from your values. If standards are meant to keep performance accountable, what is considered your performance? The actions you take to respect your worth and values. In your dating life, standards should support what you want out of dating and they must have a strong purpose. In the book, “Act like a lady, think like a man”, The 30-day rule is mentioned. This is the rule that specifies how long you should wait until having sex with the purpose that you and your partner build deep intimacy before there is physical intimacy. Do you see how the purpose is supported by a clear standard? 30-Days being the standard and building deep intimacy is the purpose. As you become clear with what you want in the dating scene, create standards that will result with a strong purpose you want to manifest. While you work on your standards, you will think, “I’m done!” but I will say you have one last step.
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Boundaries
I can’t tell you how many times my clients and myself included have encountered situations that challenge the standards we have created. Sometimes you may be tempted to excuse a situation, person or even yourself because “one thing leads to another”. This is where boundaries come in. Boundaries are meant for the sole purpose of creating distinct red zones that you must not bend. These red zones can be classified as the decisions that could tempt you to dishonor your structure. When someone wants to lose weight, their boundary may be not to have chips laying around the house so they don't make decisions that interfere with their standard of not eating junk food. Boundaries are what build your understanding and tolerance for the standards you are holding yourself to in reflection to your values.

Peace and love be with you!
​Love, Victoria GOLD

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Marriage has been one of the most talked about life choices. As someone who has never been married before, I often get asked, “when will you get married?”. My sister who is a year older than me got married at the age of 23 and I am now 28. You can imagine the occasional comments, and this includes my sister’s determination in finding me a husband. As I get comfortable in my own skin, it has become easier to be less distracted with all the outside noise. Then, in moments of silence and reflection, I ask myself, “Is marriage for everyone?”.
The spectrum of marriage
I have observed our generation’s feelings towards marriage and there are two common sides of the spectrum. Either you think it’s old-fashioned, unnecessary, boring and destructive, or on other hand, you find that it’s the “right” thing to do, that it’s most familiar or you are infatuated over the idea of marriage. People have come to a time in society where they have exercised the freedom of making marriage a choice. This is a freedom where other places around the world don’t have. First and foremost, I do believe it’s a choice, but does this mean that this choice suits everyone? What would be considered the middle of the spectrum?
The middle
I sat with a cousin of mine who is married, has kids and a career. She spoke about the idea of marriage while she was growing up in the 90s and felt that it wasn’t a question of “If?” but “when?”. She emphasized that choosing to be married should come from a value created by yourself and supported by a deep desire to partake in such commitment. I listened intently as I thought about my own singleness and ideas about marriage. Not only was this a cousin of mine someone who I admired but I too resonated with her views on where the choice should stem from. As I reflect on the spectrum, I see that the middle is to stem from a place of purity. I use the term purity to express that it is a place where it is not contaminated by superficial motives like ego, time and the outward opinions. It’s about allowing the value of marriage to show itself through our own experiences, observations, curiosity and lessons of others. This will allow us to be sincere over our desire for marriage and discern if it's coming from a pure place. Lastly, in marriage it is about 2 people, this involves the moment of opportunity to choose to whom you will embark this sacred journey with.
Choosing the partner
I have witnessed the direct and collateral damage from choosing a spouse out of superficial motives. Oftentimes people marry a partner without knowing themselves and then discover who they are years after making a marital commitment and end up having to make devastating life decisions. I have seen family members marry out of pressure and then selfishly choosing to have an affair outside of their marriage. Close friends who lost themselves in the responsibilities they took on in marriage without any consideration prior to the commitment. Multiple marriages giving up because the love has left, not realizing that they chose their partner from utter chemistry and not love. I have asked a variety of long lasting couples who have been happily married and their common response has been that choosing your partner for marriage is EXTREMELY important. 
The gift of marriage
Encountering a partner you can make a marital commitment with is a precious gift. I use the term gift because I am humbled in learning that having the choice at all, when and if that person comes into your life is a gift. It’s this gift from an alignment that is unexplainable and magical. I don’t choose to force that gift on my own through selfish motives but rather receive it if and when I get the opportunity. I have made peace with myself that my soul’s journey may or may not involve marriage in my lifetime. Although I believe marriage is beautiful when it comes from a sincere place, it is not what life is all about. I believe that the journey of many souls were meant for other lifetime gifts. Also, I believe that some journeys include the gift of marriage at a more mature moment in life. My uncle, who has never been married, is certain that he married his soulmate at the age of 55. In his experience, I learned the importance of relinquishing the illusion of time if I want to marry what could be my soulmate. I value marriage and I also surrender my own biased-control of what I think my journey MUST be so that I can create this life from a divine place beyond all knowledge. 
Is marriage for everyone? 
Everyone can get married but very few truly receive the gift of marriage through work, sincerity and an unexplainable alignment. Lastly, everyone’s journey has profound meaning and marriage isn’t always going to be part of it; this too is magnificently okay.
Peace and love be with you all!
​Love, Victoria GOLD

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We ask a lot from the new year, a new house, a new career, wealth and maybe romantic-love. We create vision boards, we make promises while we toast or write it out on a piece of paper. All to be better than the following year. Along with all of these beautiful desires we have, I believe we must be open to 3 of the many wonders of life.

1.The river of life
If we look at a river, we can watch the ripples vibrate in one direction. It is not interested nor distracted with the boats, nor the fishes or the wind that contradicts with its direction from time to time; it just flows. Isn’t this how life is? A constant flow pulling us with it despite our desperation to slow down or speed up. I personally desire to stay tuned to the flow, submitting to it and honoring it. Allowing it to show me and teach me through its unfolding truth that I am absolutely clueless of. Lessons that will entirely blow my mind and bring me to a higher understanding because to control every bit of where we go is to go against nature itself. It is absolutely freeing to know that there is a flow. That we must not try to attach ourselves to things and people that are not meant to go with us in the flow. To grab on to people or things in life is like grabbing a rock in the river as your energy drains away by trying hold on. We will flow effortlessly with others that are meant to flow with us, just like graceful leaves do as the river carries them together. Let’s stay open to the river of life at all times.

2. The wind of life
In my family gatherings, we must greet every single person with a kiss on the cheek even if there are 100 present and the same goes when we say goodbye. Isn’t this how the wind is? The wind touches all and greets all, never leaving anyone or anything unnoticed. I desire to learn from the wind and its ability to make everything feel seen as it enters and as it exits. Let’s also include the wind’s gift to appreciate every adventure no matter the length of it. It blows at surprising times, only visits to say hello and dances away when it’s time. Life has a way of putting people and moments in our life that we wish could stay, but we must dance away when it’s time. During this new year I hope to enter an opportunity and a living being’s space with the humility that I or they may dance away and that’s okay. I want to stay mindful so that I enter and exit everything this year intentionally. Let’s stay open to the wind of life at all times.

3. The mystery of life’s alignment
There is something unexplainable, magical, effortless and magnetic happening at every moment. We can move with it or move against it and it’s called alignment. There is an alignment that happens when we stay present with our intuition, our inner compass. It tells us to go left or go right and when we listen, we honor an alignment that happens for us. Those coincidences that aren't coincidences and those moments of sheer luck that aren’t sheer luck. We can’t explain it even though our mind demands proof of its existence. This mystery keeps me humble. This year I wish to submit my raging thirst for understanding and instead strengthen my conviction on faith. Let’s stay open to the mystery of life’s alignment.
Through out your year of goals and work, I invite you to stay aligned with these 3 truths of life.
Peace and Love be with you!
Love, Victoria Gold


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I was going through journal entries from my early twenties and I ran across several where I expressed my familiarity with loneliness. There was a specific one that stood out to me and I can recall it.  No one was home and I had no plans. No one was looking for me and I could feel my body sink into the bed. My thoughts began to follow the anxiety I had developed in my chest and stomach. Thoughts began to surface, "I have nothing to do and that just shows how pathetic my life is. I have no one wanting to spend time with me or care about how I am feeling at this moment". That wasn't the first nor would it be the last time I had come face to face with loneliness. Due to these recurring episodes, I thought it was my fault for facing this over and over. That maybe I just wasn't loveable or maybe I was just pushing people away and all though some of that could have been true, these episodes weren't punishments, they were necessary but I was too blind to see it.

Reacting to Loneliness
Loneliness feels different to all of us. As  for me, it felt like fear, sadness and like I didn't exist. The mind connects to our feelings and tries to make sense out of it all. Mine conjured up ideas on how to find the cure by scanning numerous options until my body grew anxious, depressed and soon impatient. My impatience motivated me to seek any distraction in order to let the wave pass over. I would finally convince myself that it was the only way to move passed this so I would look for that dating app on my phone, call someone to rescue me or I would scroll on social media. Anything to let the emptiness fade away. I had no idea that my reactions to loneliness were only numbing it but never healing it. I didn't think this could be healed, I thought it was just something I had to runaway from whenever it came. Until one day I was tired of going through this cycle and I confronted it. 

Responding to loneliness
I began to learn that I was not my mind nor was I my body, I am a soul. This beautiful body is a vessel that allows me to express my authentic-self living inside me. The next time loneliness came over me, I decided to observe my body. I observed it like a parent listening to a crying child and asking them what they feel. Once I had begun the interview, the same low-vibration thought began to surface, the same memories that brought me sadness, the future and the past fought in my mind. My body follows my mind like a sibling does when they agree on what mutually bothers them. I, the observer of all of this, began to listen and discern like a parent would. Every time a thought came up I knew wasn't true, I transformed it and when insecurities arose, I committed to making changes so that my current self could be on the path to manifesting the highest most authentic expression. I was finally confronting all the parts of my current self I was ignoring or letting off the hook. I had forgotten my responsibility of recalibrating, it was up to me. I can honestly tell you that this moment was magical.

Recalibrating
Our body seeks for our guidance. We think, feel, and the body follows. Sometimes if we’re used to a certain type of emotion in specific environments, our body will just repeat the energy we have attached it to in the past. To really understand this, think of what it feels like to dread something, but truly go there for a second. Where do you feel it most in your body when you dread something? Now let’s apply it to the gym, let’s say you dread going to the gym, and you repeat that vibration over and over, we will train that in our body. Our energy changes like water does when you put a drop of dye in it. Observation is the start of our recalibration. Our job at this moment is to seek a shift of perspective. A higher perspective is always at reach and ready to recalibrate our energy. While on my journey of healing my loneliness, I learned that we must be masters of shifting perspective, that’s where the healing emerges. Once I applied this key, I never went through loneliness the same again. 

Message from Victoria
I hope that in moments of loneliness, you can sit, go through the motions like you would to master a cold shower. Sit through the discomfort with the purpose of observing the body and mind. Then, start to slowly but surely take control back consciously and with consistency, you will come closer to expressing your truest-self, your soul. 

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I was so happy December was here! I wanted all the Christmas adventures, traditions and profound meanings of this Season. I was so joyful to get started on all of it and at the end of my day, I decided to watch a Christmas movie. Once the movie ended, I felt so incredibly lonely. At that moment i wasn't too sure where it was coming from so I decided to watch another movie to change my mood. I skimmed through the rest of the holiday movie options and I was stunned by the fact that 95% of the holiday movies were about Romantic-love.
 What have we done to Christmas?

Are we making this the loneliest time of the year?
I observed this feeling of anxiety come over me when I thought of my single-status over the holidays. I thought to myself, “Why am I feeling this way after this movie? I didn’t feel this way about my singleness before”. I sat there curious about the other holiday movies and as I watched the previews I noticed that the MAJORITY of the movies revolved around someone being single and lonely. Movies like, “Love Hard”, “The Knight Before Christmas”, “Holiday In The Wild”, “The Holiday Calendar”, “Holidate”, ”My Dad’s Christmas Date”, “Single All the Way”, the list goes on and on! The storylines of these movies were all the same, they were based around the idea that they must find romance during the holidays and to our surprise, the director makes sure that the movie ends with them finding it. All the singles in these holiday movies weren’t portrayed as someone who was secure and fulfilled, it all showed them depressed, desperate and heart broken. It’s no wonder people feel the loneliest during the holidays! USA Today stated, “The busiest day of the year for online dating is the 5th of January” (https://www.usatoday.com/tech/). The world is influencing our idea of what it means to be single during the holidays. Filling our mind with the idea that you can’t enjoy the holidays UNLESS you “find romance”.  

Are we losing sight of Christmas?
 I had to really take a step back after seeing this pattern in movies. I decided to clean and decorate so I put some Christmas music on. Aware of the influence in movies, it didn’t come to a surprise when I witnessed the same influence in music. Songs like, “All I want for Christmas is you”, “Under the mistletoe”, “Santa tell me”, “Christmas without you” etc. All of it revolved around fantasizing Romance during the holidays. At this point you may think, “So what?!”. Then I ask you, does it not make you sad? Does it not sadden you that we have made that a primal focus of Christmas? Letting the world get clouded and lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas. 
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Agape Love
I promise you that Romantic-love isn’t about Christmas. Romantic-love happens all year round when we are in alignment for it. Whether you believe in Jesus Christ or not, Christmas is about his birth. Before you disregard this whole blog because you don’t follow him, at least honor what he stood for if you choose to celebrate Christmas. He stood for what MANY people stand for despite religion, and that is, Agape Love. Agape Love is an unconditional, self-sacrificing love that is said by many spiritual leaders to be above all other “types” of love. Jesus’ birth is a story of perseverance, sacrifice, humility, service and so much more. If you enjoy the traditions that have been inspired through Christmas, all I ask is that you welcome Agape love, if anything else, make Christmas about that. 
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How do you make Christmas about that?
Initiate servanthood and help a friend, a stranger; someone in need. Truly serve someone who needs your love because acts of kindness are pretty but acts of serving someone in need are life changing. Look for an absence of love and be the one to bring love in that absence. That space can either be a home, work, person and even nature. You also make Christmas about it when you persevere for someone else. Who needs hope around you to help them persevere? One of my favorites is Humility through forgiveness and apology. Who do you need to forgive? Who do you need to apologize to? Another one of my favorites is Unity. Is there anywhere you can fill a gap to unite people? Maybe someone needs encouragement to unite with their family. Maybe it’s time for you to create unity through a cause? All of these beautiful initiations can start to bring back the true meaning of Christmas. 

P.S. You are not lonely during this season, you have just become distracted by the influence of the world and it’s time to refocus. Peace and love be with you!

Love, Victoria GOLD

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I know all too well about what it means to lose yourself. It means losing a grip on your true identity, it means being careless of your character, standing on sand because you have no true foundation on what you value. It’s like chasing ghosts in thinking that you can actually gain significance by running after the superficial. It’s never owning a mirror because you are too ashamed to look into one. It’s to feel like your body doesn’t exist because you can never gage the proximity of where you are.

ENERGY
I was putting all my energy into the idea that I was only somebody to anybody when I worked like a dog, or when I made money and when I got the next promotion. I could never be enough unless I pleased somebody and I used money to show them I loved them. I would get attention from being the best at a job and I got noticed by suitors for it. I felt like I was being liked for this mask and cape I would wear for only a small period of time. I was drained. I acted out and it wasn’t pretty. I acted out for many reasons. If I am honest, all this energy that got me lost came from this illusion in my head that I needed to make up for a lot.

CONFRONTING THE INNER-BATTLE
Trauma can do damage by distracting us away from what’s within us. We instill false ideas that turn into false deep rooted beliefs about ourselves. We try to run so far away from what lives in our head that we forget we only run away from ourselves and get so lost. I didn’t know I was lost for a long time because all of these exterior validations distracted me from what was really happening. Until, one day, this inner battle that was there constantly couldn’t stay quiet. Not by money, not by a promotion or a compliment. I remember sitting on my bathroom floor sobbing and tired of feeling empty. I asked God to show me how to get “me” back, I didn’t know it at the time but I was asking to lead me back to my soul, my true identity. I remember feeling peace in my gut and I stopped crying. The answer came to me so rapidly, “go back to your roots, your home”. This home isn’t anything you can touch, it’s everything that feeds your soul. My values had drifted away from me so far that I had abandoned the labor of maintaining the home inside me. I got up and knew how to do what I had never intentionally done, and that was to build my foundation.

TIME TO COME HOME
I got my journal out and wrote down all my values, I wrote down how I could honor these values, I wrote why they were there and how I would build on them. I worked on them like they were a job and I started feeling full again. I won’t say this was an easy process. It took so much trial and error. Soon I figured out that a lot of my habits were going to get in the way of honoring my values so I changed them. My attitude towards certain ideas of life were limiting my foundation and I changed those too. It was a process and I still learn more about my home to this day but now I know how to get home.

I don’t know who I am writing this to but I hope you find your way home. Sit with yourself and ask yourself questions you are too afraid to answer. I invite you to create a log-in to the “Team GOLD” tab where you can find a questionnaire as a guide to get back home. I wish you peace and love.

Love, Victoria GOLD

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