I was going through journal entries from my early twenties and I ran across several where I expressed my familiarity with loneliness. There was a specific one that stood out to me and I can recall it: June, 2015 No one was home and I had no plans. No one was looking for me and I could feel my body sink into the bed. My thoughts began to follow the anxiety I had developed in my chest and stomach. Thoughts began to surface, "I have nothing to do and that just shows how pathetic my life is. I have no one wanting to spend time with me or care about how I am feeling at this moment". That wasn't the first nor would it be the last time I had come face to face with loneliness. Due to these recurring episodes, I thought it was my fault for facing this over and over. That maybe I just wasn't loveable or maybe I was just pushing people away and all though some of that could have been true, these episodes weren't punishments, they were necessary but I was too blind to see it.
Reacting to Loneliness
Loneliness feels different to all of us. As for me, it felt like fear, sadness and like I didn't exist. The mind connects to our feelings and tries to make sense out of it all. Mine conjured up ideas on how to find the cure by scanning numerous options until my body grew anxious, depressed and soon impatient. My impatience motivated me to seek any distraction in order to let the wave pass over. I would finally convince myself that it was the only way to move passed this so I would look for that dating app on my phone, call someone to rescue me or I would scroll on social media. Anything to let the emptiness fade away. I had no idea that my reactions to loneliness were only numbing it but never healing it. I didn't think this could be healed, I thought it was just something I had to runaway from whenever it came. Until one day I was tired of going through this cycle and I confronted it.
Responding to loneliness
I began to learn that I was not my mind nor was I my body, I am a soul. This beautiful body is a vessel that allows me to express my authentic-self living inside me. The next time loneliness came over me, I decided to observe my body. I observed it like a parent listening to a crying child and asking them what they feel. Once I had begun the interview, the same low-vibration thought began to surface, the same memories that brought me sadness, the future and the past fought in my mind. My body follows my mind like a sibling does when they agree on what mutually bothers them. I, the observer of all of this, began to listen and discern like a parent would. Every time a thought came up I knew wasn't true, I transformed it and when insecurities arose, I committed to making changes so that my current self could be on the path to manifesting the highest most authentic expression. I was finally confronting all the parts of my current self I was ignoring or letting off the hook. I had forgotten my responsibility of recalibrating, it was up to me. I can honestly tell you that this moment was magical.
Our body seeks for our guidance. We think, feel, and the body follows. Sometimes if we’re used to a certain type of emotion in specific environments, our body will just repeat the energy we have attached it to in the past. To really understand this, think of what it feels like to dread something, but truly go there for a second. Where do you feel it most in your body when you dread something? Now let’s apply it to the gym, let’s say you dread going to the gym, and you repeat that vibration over and over, we will train that in our body. Our energy changes like water does when you put a drop of dye in it. Observation is the start of our recalibration. Our job at this moment is to seek a shift of perspective. A higher perspective is always at reach and ready to recalibrate our energy. While on my journey of healing my loneliness, I learned that we must be masters of shifting perspective, that’s where the healing emerges. Once I applied this key, I never went through loneliness the same again.
Message from Victoria
I hope that in moments of loneliness, you can sit, go through the motions like you would to master a cold shower. Sit through the discomfort with the purpose of observing the body and mind. Then, start to slowly but surely take control back consciously and with consistency, you will come closer to expressing your truest-self, your soul.