Maintaining a high-self esteem is a practice. There isn’t a pill to miraculously make you feel better about yourself. Being insecure also doesn't have to look ugly per say. There’s this exaggerated view on what being insecure looks like. Whether it’s the overly jealous person, or the overly sensitive person, it doesn’t always look this way. Sometimes the people we love may tell us their perspective on our life which doesn’t always feel so good and we focus on what they said for the next few days. Other times, we may get rejected by that cute guy or girl for reasons that also don’t feel good and that only adds to the distraction of our focus. Notice I keep using the word, focus?
I love to best describe focus as the dominant place we are placing our energy. This is highly important because our behaviors, mannerisms, habits, and thoughts can all be influenced by where we focus our energy. If our focus is repeatedly directed towards something that doesn’t make us feel good, it can eventually make us insecure. I remember being in my head about something an ex said to me and for months I was distracted by this not so good impression of me. I walked around with a defensive attitude and it made me critical towards others because a criticized person can become critical towards others. Soon, I didn’t feel like myself and it affected my self-esteem greatly. I noticed that what was affecting me was an idea that someone else had of me and it was limiting the way I was expressing myself. Once I was able to see this, I knew I had to take some time to sit down and redirect my energy. So, after being criticized and rejected, what do we focus our energy on?
REFLECTING AND RE-EVALUATING EFFECTIVELY
There is an effective and destructive way to do this. There were times I would over think and over analyze situations. I’d vent on and on in my own mind with no purpose! This can only stimulate more frustration and create behaviors that aren’t beneficial. The best way in my opinion to be effective at this is to write things out. Don’t get overwhelmed by thoughts and memories in your mind that validate insecurities, especially since these thoughts happen faster than you can write! This is why I suggest slowing down and writing the ideas that you think have been affecting you. This is the best way to govern your mind and redirect the reflection process. Start to read it over and pick out the dominant patterns you may see and start asking yourself questions. Reflection isn’t just thinking about what has happened but rather seeking answers to the mysteries in our insecurities. If you have trouble finding questions, sit down with a professional to guide this process. Once we detect what has been affecting us, we must start to re-evaluate. Before reflecting, we evaluate that something is off, then after reflecting we evaluate a second time with a new perspective. There may be truth to the ideas we were criticized for and insecure about that may help us improve how we are coming across to others around us. This will be the moment we consciously decide on how we want to express ourselves rather than being the byproduct of these insecurities.
Dating securely takes constant adjusting and aligning just like a chiropractor would. Just because we went into the relationship secure, doesn’t mean that it will remain that way, it takes work to maintain it. Remember we also need to take a step back to find out if these insecurities are constantly coming from our partner, this isn’t healthy. If we are constantly re-aligning ourselves because we have a careless partner, it’s best to step away from the relationship after attempts in trying to work things out. If we have communicated to our partner how we’ve been feeling due to their actions or words and it continues, I would personally suggest stepping away and leaving the relationship for your sanity. Sometimes it’s not that this partner is manipulative but simply that you both don’t align in the ways you feel you should guard the stability of the relationship. Dating securely is a practice and I hope we prioritize it while we experience the world around us.
MESSAGE FROM VICTORIA
I hope this entry was helpful and that you may apply it when you feel you need it. If you’d like support, remember I am only a message away on the ‘contact’ tab of the website!