MIND GAMES: HOW TO CHECK the EGO in our love life

1/15/2021

Want to listen to the podcast instead?
We had another incredible Life Coach, Andy Bayon, join oujr podcast to talk about this topic!

Click for podcast!

Have you ever been guilty of petty mind games? “They waited 10 min. to text me so I will too!”, “Act like you don’t like them so they can like you more” or how about “Give them a taste of their own medicine!”. SMH! What’s the point of all of this?!
THE POINT
If you notice, the purpose of these petty mind games are to paint the illusion that you don’t care as much as you actually do. “But, Why?” Well, when we show that we care about something or someone, we feel that we are making it known it has an affect on us but guess what, it does! It is normal to be affected by life and people. What becomes harmful, is not knowing how to deal with disappointments, which leads to dwelling or suppressing them. Due to society’s propaganda on what makes us significant in a relationship, it trains our ego to put a mask on!
THE EGO
The ego is designed to judge danger in order to help you survive, but what happens if surviving in the wild isn’t necessary anymore? The ego will adapt and learn how to “survive” in whichever environment (society, culture, relationships, family etc). The ego forms judgement with what it has gained by experience, perspective and influence like, movies, music, society etc. If the majority say, “Don’t text right away”, guess what the ego will look out for? Not texting right away! If you even think about texting right away and it doesn’t turn out well for you, the ego will analyze this “not so good” feeling and judge how we got there, it will pull out that memory of when we heard someone say, “Don’t text right away!”. Then, the ego learns that when we follow these society “rules”, we stay ahead and we gain significance in society. The ego then switches its purpose from helping you survive to helping you gain significance. Masking how we really want to respond to situations and being discouraged by the ego.
CHECKING THE EGO
First, I must say that it is not easy, this journey will feel like a constant battle.
It’s going to take emotional-intamacy and self control. First, be transparent to yourself, be open about how you feel and why you are hurt. Intimacy is allowing yourself to be embarrassed by what you feel and allowing yourself to be shameful of what affects you without judgement. Self control will be needed to respond to how the conscious knows it should and not react to the ego’s temptation. Be compassionate with yourself through the process.
Please, don’t become discouraged. At times, I can feel my ego asking me to shut down certain parts of who I am in order to guard myself. I know this will only result in modifying who I am in this beautiful life where I am not destined to. I want to enjoy my life with no limitations. Surrender to how you truly feel at every moment and gracefully let go of what doesn’t serve you. This will slowly break the limitations your ego wants to place you in.

Peace and Love be with you.
Love, Victoria GOLD

1 Comment

Tyler P.

3/11/2023 12:59:04 pm

Mind games are devastating to a relationship. As soon as one side or the other suspects the other of playing mind games, it's likely to be a slow, agonizing end. Things like being judgmental, comparing your partner to others, and gaslighting are all good examples of ways to make your partner feel horrible or "less-than".

So how do we know if someone is playing a mind game? What if someone is literally just oblivious to what he/she is doing? Maybe there is an entirely different motive altogether? It is quite possible that one side or the other has been in relationships full of mind games, and is now hyper aware of this kind of thing, while the other side has never been involved in that sort of thing, and is genuinely unaware.

There are some easy ones to figure out, like the "she didn't text for an hour, so let me do the same thing." or brazenly comparing you to previous partners, putting you down.

Others are more subtle, and difficult to discern. I have one good way of truly figuring it out.

I know if I were to play a mind game with someone, I would be seeking a reaction, of course! If I didn't get it, I would definitely be disappointed, and would probably try to do it again.

- If someone is truly playing a mind game, that person is seeking a reaction. The next time you are feeling like someone is playing a mind game, take a deep breath, pretend you didn't notice at all, and observe that person carefully (without making it obvious you are doing so. This is super-important. If they suspect you are onto them, they will be able to quickly change course.) The person is seeking some sort of satisfaction or gratification from making you feel bad. When they don't get it, they probably are going to be frustrated and a little down. "You didn't respond to my manipulation!!! What the heck!!! You are too confident!!" It is crucial that you show complete confidence, like it didn't even phase you. This will infuriate the manipulator. Their attempts will become more and more desperate, and eventually you can be 100% sure it's what they are doing.

If you observe this behavior with absolute certainty, it's time to be clear.

1. Stop everything. Get the person's undivided attention. Express yourself very clearly. Be thorough. Say how you feel. Be respectful, yet assertive.
2. At this point, they must apologize sincerely and promise to do better. If they do this, this is a great sign of humility and a good sign for hope for your relationship.
3. If they refuse to apologize, it is your decision. You could give it some time, it is still possible you may have misread something. But if you continue to observe it, and there is a continued lack ofacceptance of responsibility, it may be time to move on.

-If you try to catch the person in a trap, but see some of the following signs, it's likely they genuinely were NOT playing a mind-game.
1. The person is just obliviously staring off into the distance.
2. The person continues to move on with the conversation, happily and genuinely un-phased.
3. No change in mood from the person.
4. Their focus has shifted to something else, easily and calmly.
5. They don't try again in a different way a short time later.

With that being said, it's still important to confront them and let them know why the comment gave you pause. Don't make it a huge deal, but let it be known :

1. What bothered you.
2. Why it bothered you.
3. Possible solutions for avoiding this in the future.
4. If you observed none of the above signs they were manipulating you, I would say it is safe to trust the person and listen to their thought process. Allow yourself to see them in a different light now. This can prevent thinking about it in the future, which will lead to a healthier relationship.

Remember, a relationship takes two! Listen to one another. Respect one another. Give the benefit of the doubt. Honor boundaries and take care of one another.

God bless!

Victoria's Compass